What a lot of hairy-faced men there are around nowadays. When a man grows hair all over his face it is impossible to tell what he really looks like. Perhaps that's why he does it. He'd rather you didn't know.

Then there's the problem of washing. When the very hairy ones wash their faces, it must be as big a job as when you and I wash the hair on our heads. So what I want to know is this. How often do all these hairy-faced men wash their faces? Is it only once a week, like us, on Sunday nights? And do they shampoo it? Do they use a hairdryer? Do they rub hair-tonic in to stop their faces from going bald? Do they go to a barber to have their hairy faces cut and trimmed or do they do it themselves in front of the bathroom mirror with nail-scissors?

I don't know. But next time you see a man with a hairy face (which will probably be as soon as you step out on to the street) maybe you will look at him more closely and start wondering about some of these things.

Mr Twit was one of these very hairy-faced men. The whole of his face except for his forehead, his eyes and his nose, was covered with thick hair. The stuff even sprouted in revolting tufts out of his nostrils and ear-holes. Mr Twit felt that this hairiness made him look terrifically wise and grand. But in truth he was neither of these things. Mr Twit was a twit. He was born a twit. And now at the age of sixty, he was a bigger twit than ever. The hair on Mr Twit's face didn't grow smooth and matted as it does on most hairy-faced men. It grew in spikes that stuck out straight like the bristles of a nailbrush.

And how often did Mr Twit wash this bristly nailbrushy face of his? The answer is never, not even on Sundays. He hadn't washed it for years.

As you know, an ordinary unhairy face like yours or mine simply gets a bit smudgy if it is not washed often enough, and there's nothing so awful about that. But a hairy face is a very different matter. Things cling to hairs, especially food. Things like gravy go right in among the hairs and stay there. You and I can wipe our smooth faces with a flannel and we quickly look more or less all right again, but the hairy man cannot do that.

We can also, if we are careful, eat our meals without spreading food all over our faces. But not so the hairy man. Watch carefully next time you see a hairy man eating his lunch and you will notice that even if he opens his mouth very wide, it is impossible for him to get a spoonful of beef-stew or ice-cream and chocolate sauce into it without leaving some of it on the hairs. Mr Twit didn't even bother to open his mouth wide when he ate. As a result (and because he never washed) there were always hundreds of bits of old breakfasts and lunches and suppers sticking to the hairs around his face. They weren't big bits, mind you, because he used to wipe those off with the back of his hand or on his sleeve while he was eating. But if you looked closely (not that you'd ever want to) you would see tiny little specks of dried-up scrambled eggs stuck to the hairs, and spinach and tomato ketchup and fish fingers and minced chicken livers and all the other disgusting things Mr Twit liked to eat.

If you looked closer still (hold your noses, ladies and gentlemen), if you peered deep into the moustachy bristles sticking out over his upper lip, you would probably see much larger objects that had escaped the wipe of his hand, things that had been there for months and months, like a piece of maggoty green cheese or a mouldy old cornflake or even the slimy tail of a tinned sardine. Because of all this, Mr Twit never went really hungry. By sticking out his tongue and curling it sideways to explore the hairy jungle around his mouth, he was always able to find a tasty morsel here and there to nibble on.

What I am trying to tell you is that Mr Twit was a foul and smelly old man.

• Get a razor with as many blades that you can find, that way the more likely the blades are going to clog so you have to scrape your face even harder 
• Use foam from a can and read the label to make sure it contains water and loads of chemicals, parabens are just what you need for healthy skin
• Buy a new razor every six month when the major brands release an improved, more comfortable shaver thanks to the next overdesigned yet unnecessary innovation 
• If you can, choose one with a battery that make the razor buzz so you have another expensive disposable item to buy along with the replacement multi blades 
• Always finish off shaving with splashing plenty of aftershave on your raw face and neck, the burn will prove you’re a devil of a man 
• Finnaly sport your razor burn with pride, you know the ladies love it

Choptober Fund Razor

Choptober 2011 is all about raising cash for our earthquake-affected cousins in Christchurch. Those tough Cantabrians have had it pretty rough over the last year and we want to help them out as much as we possibly can. New Zealanders are world famous for their loyalty and goodwill, so supporting the residents of our world-famous garden city during these turbulent times is nothing we can't handle. After all, it's what mates are for, right?

The Christchurch relief effort wouldn't be a shade as strong as it is without all those dedicated charities putting in the hours to make a difference. Now it's time for you, the good people of Aotearoa, to give something back to these charities so that they can continue their fantastic work throughout the Canterbury region. Help support The Salvation Army, the Christchurch City Mission and Cholmondeley by championing the chops this October.

Is Shaving the Cause of Your Sensitive Skin?

Sensitive skin can largely be attributed to the modern cartridge or multi blade razors coupled with chemical filled products. Both are readily available form the supermarket aisles.

Think about the old Gillette advert with "one blade to shave you close the other blade to shave even closer". The old television advert from the seventies showed the first razor blade pulling the hair out of the skin, then the second blade cutting the elongated hair follicle followed by the hair sucking back below the skin. When hair is cut like this it is really cut too close so the hair is actually under the skin and this can lead to a number of issues. A layer of skin can form over the top of the hair the next day when the hair has grown a little the skin is pushed up causing a razor bump.

When the hair is too short it can regrow in any direction sometimes not even surfacing, you have heard of ingrowing hairs well this is what has happened. If the wayward hair does breach the skin it can be growing in the wrong direction. Now you have to shave through the bump of skin and that's going to become red and inflamed. If your razor blades aren't new then chances are the old blades will be dirty and this can cause infection of the fresh cuts all over your neck and face.

Thirty years on and we now have five blades on the razor head. What does this mean for causing sensitive skin? Having so many blades getting choked with stubble and product makes the razor ineffective. So to get a close shave you have to press harder and harder on your face to scrap away at your skin. These blades are hard to clean so dirt is building up in the heads with each use. The replacement heads are quite expensive, a pack of four will pay for a box of beer, so you try to make them last as long as possible. The steel used is making the razor blades is of a poor quality so it blunts in no time. Thats's okay for the manufacturer he wants you to buy more but that's not great for the customer who is locked into the latest razor and blades system.

Now take a look at your favorite shaving products even the ones for sensitive skin. What does the list of ingredients say, do you recognise many of the names? You would not want to wash your car with some of these chemicals so why would you put them on you face? Foam from a can is the worst product to use due to the propellants used.

What this means is that as you shave your face it is being aggravated by the stress and germs from your razor and then your raw skin is exposed to all kinds of toxins in the chemicals found in your foam.

Put a stop right now to torturing your face and start to save money. Start by using a traditional razor that you will never need to upgrade other than the scent of your favorite soaps and creams.

The shaving guru known as Mantic59 has been posting "how to" videos on You Tube almost from the inception of You Tube. His tips and advice have helped thousands of fellas, including myself, make the effortless change to the classic wet shave that our grand fathers enjoyed. In this video he trials the Bluebeard's Revenge to test it's claim of reducing beard growth with it's miracle ingredient Decelerine.

So what were his findings? “I started to notice a difference in my beard after about 45 days of continuous use: hair started to get noticably thinner and shorter. So if you have a thick beard that needs taming and are comfortable with Decelerine’s ingredients, take a look at The Bluebeards Revenge."

You can read Mantic's full review in his blog